Can I sit with you for awhile?

Can I show you how much I love you today?

It is all here in the pages of this book that I wrote,

the words within were breathed out by Me.

They tell of a love so pure and so  holy.

A love so passionate, and fierce,

A love so sacrificial, that there has never been or will be anything like it,

It goes beyond death, and into eternity.

It reaches into the deepest and darkest pits,

and shines a glorious light.

A light that is dazzling for the eye to see,

a Light that will never leave you.

This light and this love bring life to the soul,

and warmth to the heart.

A Light, a Love

that wants to sit beside you

and that wants to hold your hand.

So may I sit with you?

Can I hold your hand?

Can I tell you how much I love you?

Why do I hate that I make myself vulnerable?

Because I open up myself to hurt, I fear vulnerability because of the expectations I have of people when I do open up to them.

                                                                                                   I tire of people not meeting my needs, so instead it all just stays in…

 I realize however that in expecting people to meet my needs I become an idol worshipper of people and I am at best a needs harlot. Wow! Doesn’t that realization sting just a little!

 Praise be to God  though that I don’t have to stay that way!  He truly meets all my needs.

Really all I need to say to Him is, ” Father I have this need? Will you please come and meet it?”

 I know it because His Word says it!

Phillippians 4:19 “But my God shall supply all your needs, according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus.”

                      The question is will I trust and surrender them to Him?

Sometimes I wonder at the loneliness and the sadness that I feel,

wondering if joy and happiness will ever fully come.

Sometimes it hurts so much

that I wonder if it will ever go away.

Sometimes I feel as though I am barely hanging on.

Then

there are the times that I remember

of what He has done for me.

How he has redeemed me and is redeeming me still.

 Those are the time that

 I feel a strong arm on my shoulder

a warm sensation running down my hand

as if He is holding it.

Sometimes He tucks me in at night and

 He  always watches me while I sleep.

Sometimes I feel Him next to me

sitting beside me,

pushing my hair gently out my face.

Sometimes I hear His voice,

a gentle whisper telling me that I am beautiful and worthy,

His chosen and precious daughter,

Beloved one.

Sometimes I feel Him wrapping me up in His arms

wiping all my tears away.

I look up and see His face

and if only for a moment all the pain is gone,

Hope has appeared

and my soul sings.

These sometimes without the despair are the times that I struggle to hold onto,

these are the times that are so simple yet have so much meaning…

When the tears come, and pain is to sharp, these are the times I want to remember, knowing that even in that time He is still with me,

Gently,

He turns  my face upwards toward Him,

and displays a loving and gentle act of kindness and mercy.

These are the sometimes I wish to hold to,

these are my moments with Him.

 I look around and see so many people living their lives from day to day, working jobs that they hate, being in misery. Being unemployed is scary, not having a job, its hard trying to figure out how I am going to pay my rent, how am I going to pay for insurance? Would it be better if I just took a job I hated or did not like very much just so I can have money?  I would be able to pay my rent, and all my bills, but what would it teach me?

It would teach me that money is my only security, I would not look at it as the God-given tool that it is. While money helps greatly, and its is up there with how we survive, I do not want to live my life in finding security in money. I do not want to live my life in a job that I absolutely am miserable in.

  I know its risky, I know its scary, but God did not call me to live a comfortable and secure life. He called me to live a life full of abundance, full of trust in Him. So here I go following after the heart of God, with desire, with vision, and with an overwhelming sense of peace that everything will be ok.

When the last scene of my life flashed before me,
 I looked back at the footprints in the sand. 
I noticed that many times along the path of my life,
 there was only one set of footprints.
I also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times in my life.
This really bothered me and I questioned the Lord about it.  “Lord, you said that once I decided to follow you,
you would walk with me all the way, but I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life there is only one set of footprints.
I don’t understand why in times when I needed you most, you should leave me.”
The Lord replied, “My precious, precious child,
I love you and I would never, never leave you
during your times of trial and suffering.
When you saw only one set of footprints,
it was then that I carried you.”
…Mary Stevenson

“Empty and Beautiful”

by Matt Maher

My past won’t stop haunting me
In this prison there’s a fight between
Who I am and who I used to be

You fought the fight in me
You chased me down and finished the race
I was blind but now I see
Jesus You kept the faith in me
Jesus You kept the faith in me
Savior, You kept the faith in me”

I heard this song the other day and I felt like it was exactly what has gone on in my life recently…

Hoping it will end, but knowing that Jesus has seen me through it all, and has kept His hand at my back

its been so hard, and hurts so much  but its time to let it all go

knowing that when I do

I will be empty but Beautiful….

and  so  here is my  prayer of thankfulness in the midst of sorrow…

Father,  Thankyou for your cross ,

for the love you displayed

as you took upon the sin of this world.

Thankyou for taking my place,

and suffering silent agony

Thank you for  rescuing me from a place so horrible

and  putting yourself  there instead,

Thank you for drinking from the cup of unimaginable pain and suffering

so that I would not have to taste of it

Thank you for  choosing to stay on the cross

and choosing me

Thank you for displaying the greatest act of love ever known to man-kind

on a simple wooden cross.

Father, thank you that

my yesterdays, todays, and tomorrows are in your hands,

my heart is yours

Thank you for loving it….

Love it in such a way that it will never wander away.

“Touch my heart”, she says

“Touch it gently to awake it  with  a gentle tenderness.”

“Listen to my heart”, she says

Listen to the gentle beat, hear the rhythm,

let it never beat out of sync.

“Hold my heart,” she says

Hold it softly,that it will never tear or become worn.

“Search for my heart” she says

Search for it as you would a treasure,

so that you may see the beauty that is inside it.

“Pursue my heart”, she says

Pursue it, to never lose it.

“Fight for my heart”, she says 

Fight for it with strength and courage

so that it will never be stolen from you.

“Protect  my heart” she says

protect it from the arrows that  come,

 Be a shield with your love.

“Love my heart,” she says

Love it in such a way that it will never

wander away.

I just spent alot of time praying through forgiveness, God has brought me to this place where I realize that I have had alot of unforgiveness in my heart, memories from the past have come up, memories that were painful, memories that I never wanted to deal with so I hid them away. Never realizing that with the hiding I had also put unforgiveness along with it, and made some unhealthy agreements with each one that I’ve hid…

I asked God to bring a list of people to my mind of where I had been hurt by them and was still holding onto it,  I prayed through each one, and chose to forgive them. After I was done praying I burned it and as I watch it wither away and become ashes, the verse above came to my mind, and God spoke these thoughts below to me after.

Through these ashes,  those people that have hurt you, that have negatively affected you, I will restore a crown of beauty, through the pain and the sorrow, the grief and the mourning, I will put a gladness in your heart. Through the despair and depression,  I will put a song of joy in you  and I will clothe you with praise.

Right now I  feel so many things, anger still, hurt mostly, but I know that I made a choice to forgive, to let go of it all, so  I cling not to what I feel, but  to the truth of the words above and that God will never leave me or forsake me.   I cling to the truth that these hurts  will be replaced with a great and wonderful beauty and the empty and lonely places  they have left will be filled with the gentleness of  a Fathers love.

Forgiveness is Freedom, Surrender is love,  Jesus my heart is yours, be my portion.